Everyone has told a white lie sometime or another. Some lies go unnoticed and some are discovered. Some lies ruin relationships and some make them last; either way the guilt of lying is stays with you forever. So how does it feel to actually live a lie? Any middle eastern girl can answer this question for you because just about every middle eastern girl lives a lie.
My friends and I sit outside of Panera Bread having some coffee and lunch. We joke about how each one of us girls has our own lie about what we told our parents in order to get out of the house. I am supposedly sitting at school studying for a final; well at least thats what my parents think. We talk about how lying about such insignificant things comes so easy to us as if it runs in our blood. To simply make up bull shit on the spot and look someone straight in the eye and not mean a word of what your saying is a terrible gift.
It was a gift given to me as well as every other middle eastern girl at birth because it is a gift of allowing us make it from day to day in my world. We do not lie because we want to; we lie because we have to. Something as simple as meeting up with some friends to have some coffee is not okay in the eyes of my parents. To them going out with friends defines me as a wild child therefore everything I do is unacceptable. The only thing "acceptable" to my parents is to go to school. Going to the movies, our out without my father or brother with me, or really doing anything without the permission or presence of a male makes me a wild girl. Now I understand that there are certain times and situations in which it would makes sense to have a male figure around such as going out late at night or being some where unsafe alone. But if something as simple as getting the mail or opening the door for the pizza guy can get me in trouble then I am content with being a wild child.
In order for me to life a normal life
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Because I have loved, I will have no sorrow to die.
Do you know that feeling you get when you meet that one special person that you know is going to change your life forever? Well I think I have, but when I realized he was the one I had more than just love butterflies in my stomach. I also had a knot that made me want to throw up when I thought of how my love life is going to effect my life at home. When I met my boyfriend for the first time I knew he was going to stay a part of my life forever. It was so unexpected and so random but at the same time it was so meant to be.
I knew right off the bat that some serious sacrifices were going to be made sooner or later. For months I kept him a secret because that's what was necessary. It was not hard at first; having to keep everything in my life a secret is second nature. I have had so many restrictions put on me as a child that I have learned how to get around the rules and I have been forced to lie about small insignificant things. Soon after we met he was deployed to Iraq. This made some aspects of our relationship easier and some harder. It was obviously very difficult for me to be away from him and I missed him terribly all the time. But it was easier when it came down to my family because there was a less of a chance of me getting caught with him. I soon came to figure out that it didnt matter if he was all the way across the world in Iraq or just down the street in Quantico, the truth about our relationship was going to come out in the open.
It was Oct. 11, 2009 when my entire world turned inside out. My parents found out about my boyfriend. I had came home from school one evening and when i walked into my room there was my mother, sitting on my bed along with proof of my relationship. There right next to her layed on the bed were one of his dogtags, the letters he had wrote, and pictures. I thought that I had done a well job at hiding everything in my room but apparently it wasnt well enough. My mom had been going through all of my stuff; she was looking for a fight. As she sat there part of me was scared but a bigger part of me was ready. I knew that there was no lie or excuse to get me out of this predicament. I knew I had to face the consequences for the choice I had made by having a boyfriend.
I was terrified because not only did they find out about my boyfriend but the fact that he was still overseas left me all on my own. There are just not words to explain how I felt. I was scared but more than that I was mad. I was angry that they couldn't just be happy for me or accept me for who I am. I was mad that they wouldnt even try to see things from my point of view and they didnt even want to listen to me when I tried to explain how in love I was. We argued and fought for days. My parents kept pressuring me into breaking up with my boyfriend and never speaking or seeing him again. I didnt back down at all. My entire life I have been told what to do and my entire life I have listened. I dont know why but something in my heart just told me that if I didnt fight for who I love then I would never stand up for myself or fight for anything. Through all the yelling and crying one thing was said that just hit me really hard. My father looked and me and then pointed to my mother and said "Dont ruin our lives kiran." At that moment I realized just how narrow minded my parents were. "Dont ruin OUR lives." I repeated it to myself over and over in my head. They continued to talk and yell and cry and for a split second everything around me froze as I repeated his words in my head. I couldnt bring myself to understand how me falling in love would ruin their lives. Now I could see how they would be worried about a 20 year old marine breaking my heart and ruining MY life but that obviously wasnt what they were worried about. They saw the pain in my eyes and how this was tearing my heart up and yet they were selfish enough to worry about how their own lives; but not the life of their only daughter, would be effected.
After fighting over and over again my parents began to realize that I was not backing down and I was more than ready to fight for love. This came as a suprise to them becuase I have never been the type to fight and argue so they didnt know how to approach the situation. Eventually, they began to back down and they never stopped encouraging me to forget about him but instead of constant fighting they pushed me to focus on other things so thats exactly what I did. My boyfriend was always a part of the picture but as long as my parents thought I was concentrated on other priorities there was no fighting in the house and I was very content with that. At the time, I thought not having my boyfriend around was extremely difficult but now that I look back I realize that it was for the best. Although, I had to go through this hard time all by myself it allowed me to think and make decisions without any bias opinion. I know if my boyfriend was around I would have only listened to what he had to say but because I had no one I was forced to look at all my options and think with a straight head on my shoulders.
Although I caught hell when my parents found out, I'm glad that it happened. They had to find out sooner or later. Throughout this entire expierence I came to find that not once did I feel guilty. I felt sad and mad; I was hurt and I know I was hurting my parents but I didn't feel guilty at all for going agaisnt my parents wishes. I think i didnt feel guilty because i felt like i wasnt doing anything wrong. Love is a special bond between you and another person; it should not be anyones place to tell you who to love or how to love or when to love. I feel like being with someone is a decision that you make on your own and your family should only step in when you need them to. They should be there to support and be happy for you or if anything were to go wrong they should be there to confort you and help you get back on your feet. In my case, if I decide to stay with my bofriend then I will be completely on my own. That is a sacrifice that I am wiling to make.
I knew right off the bat that some serious sacrifices were going to be made sooner or later. For months I kept him a secret because that's what was necessary. It was not hard at first; having to keep everything in my life a secret is second nature. I have had so many restrictions put on me as a child that I have learned how to get around the rules and I have been forced to lie about small insignificant things. Soon after we met he was deployed to Iraq. This made some aspects of our relationship easier and some harder. It was obviously very difficult for me to be away from him and I missed him terribly all the time. But it was easier when it came down to my family because there was a less of a chance of me getting caught with him. I soon came to figure out that it didnt matter if he was all the way across the world in Iraq or just down the street in Quantico, the truth about our relationship was going to come out in the open.
It was Oct. 11, 2009 when my entire world turned inside out. My parents found out about my boyfriend. I had came home from school one evening and when i walked into my room there was my mother, sitting on my bed along with proof of my relationship. There right next to her layed on the bed were one of his dogtags, the letters he had wrote, and pictures. I thought that I had done a well job at hiding everything in my room but apparently it wasnt well enough. My mom had been going through all of my stuff; she was looking for a fight. As she sat there part of me was scared but a bigger part of me was ready. I knew that there was no lie or excuse to get me out of this predicament. I knew I had to face the consequences for the choice I had made by having a boyfriend.
I was terrified because not only did they find out about my boyfriend but the fact that he was still overseas left me all on my own. There are just not words to explain how I felt. I was scared but more than that I was mad. I was angry that they couldn't just be happy for me or accept me for who I am. I was mad that they wouldnt even try to see things from my point of view and they didnt even want to listen to me when I tried to explain how in love I was. We argued and fought for days. My parents kept pressuring me into breaking up with my boyfriend and never speaking or seeing him again. I didnt back down at all. My entire life I have been told what to do and my entire life I have listened. I dont know why but something in my heart just told me that if I didnt fight for who I love then I would never stand up for myself or fight for anything. Through all the yelling and crying one thing was said that just hit me really hard. My father looked and me and then pointed to my mother and said "Dont ruin our lives kiran." At that moment I realized just how narrow minded my parents were. "Dont ruin OUR lives." I repeated it to myself over and over in my head. They continued to talk and yell and cry and for a split second everything around me froze as I repeated his words in my head. I couldnt bring myself to understand how me falling in love would ruin their lives. Now I could see how they would be worried about a 20 year old marine breaking my heart and ruining MY life but that obviously wasnt what they were worried about. They saw the pain in my eyes and how this was tearing my heart up and yet they were selfish enough to worry about how their own lives; but not the life of their only daughter, would be effected.
After fighting over and over again my parents began to realize that I was not backing down and I was more than ready to fight for love. This came as a suprise to them becuase I have never been the type to fight and argue so they didnt know how to approach the situation. Eventually, they began to back down and they never stopped encouraging me to forget about him but instead of constant fighting they pushed me to focus on other things so thats exactly what I did. My boyfriend was always a part of the picture but as long as my parents thought I was concentrated on other priorities there was no fighting in the house and I was very content with that. At the time, I thought not having my boyfriend around was extremely difficult but now that I look back I realize that it was for the best. Although, I had to go through this hard time all by myself it allowed me to think and make decisions without any bias opinion. I know if my boyfriend was around I would have only listened to what he had to say but because I had no one I was forced to look at all my options and think with a straight head on my shoulders.
Although I caught hell when my parents found out, I'm glad that it happened. They had to find out sooner or later. Throughout this entire expierence I came to find that not once did I feel guilty. I felt sad and mad; I was hurt and I know I was hurting my parents but I didn't feel guilty at all for going agaisnt my parents wishes. I think i didnt feel guilty because i felt like i wasnt doing anything wrong. Love is a special bond between you and another person; it should not be anyones place to tell you who to love or how to love or when to love. I feel like being with someone is a decision that you make on your own and your family should only step in when you need them to. They should be there to support and be happy for you or if anything were to go wrong they should be there to confort you and help you get back on your feet. In my case, if I decide to stay with my bofriend then I will be completely on my own. That is a sacrifice that I am wiling to make.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
living in a world of men
Where I come from men are the dominate sex. In my family my father makes just about every decision within the household. Not only does my father hold the upper hand in my family but my brother does not stand too far behind. My brother has been given the liberty to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants with whoever he wants simply becuase of the fact that he is a male. I have been restricted all my life; I have never been able to go out with friends or hang out with certian people or even listen to certian types of music just because I am a woman. "Discrimination against girls and women in the developing world is a devastating reality."
http://www.childreninneed.org/magazine/gender.html#Anchor-Child-47857
My father feels the need to make major decisions in my life. He thinks that I am incappable of choosing what I should go to school for or what I should do with my life. My father feels that there are only three sucessful careers in this world. One is to work anywhere in the medical field, preferable a doctor. Second is to be a lawyer and third is to be an engineer. Any other line of work is considered stupid or useless to them. This being said I am currently persuing a nursing major. I love nursing and wouldnt trade it in for the world but the fact that middle eastern/southasian parents burn certian standards into the minds of their children is wrong. Parents especially the fathers put so much pressure on their children when it comes to school that us kids are often too scared to disapoint them and we learn to push ourselves harder acedemically in order to make, not ourselves but, our parents happy.
http://www.childreninneed.org/magazine/gender.html#Anchor-Child-47857
My father feels the need to make major decisions in my life. He thinks that I am incappable of choosing what I should go to school for or what I should do with my life. My father feels that there are only three sucessful careers in this world. One is to work anywhere in the medical field, preferable a doctor. Second is to be a lawyer and third is to be an engineer. Any other line of work is considered stupid or useless to them. This being said I am currently persuing a nursing major. I love nursing and wouldnt trade it in for the world but the fact that middle eastern/southasian parents burn certian standards into the minds of their children is wrong. Parents especially the fathers put so much pressure on their children when it comes to school that us kids are often too scared to disapoint them and we learn to push ourselves harder acedemically in order to make, not ourselves but, our parents happy.
So what role do my mother and I play in our family? Well, I don't play very much of a role at all; I do what I'm told and I don't mention anything that doesnt need to be mentioned about what goes on in my life. My mother seems to be okay with the way things work at home. She never complains and never questions anyones authority but at the same time she never seems completely happy with her life. I guess theres nothing wrong with living a content life but me on the other hand, I dont want to live contently I want to live happily. I know that there is somethign wrong with the way my family functions. In my eyes, to have no say or no way of truely expressing yourself is and aweful feeling. There have been many times when I have questioned my fathers authority and gotten in a lot of trouble for it. Then, there have been many times when I have wanted to say something but over the years ive leaved to bit my tounge because I know I would be "Crossing the line." In a normal world crossing the line would be saying or doing something disrespectufl but in my world crossing the line is doing anything at all.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
White washed
I was raised in Virginia and lived in the states all my life. When someone asks what I am I simply respond by saying "I'm an American." After a couple seconds of blank stares they ask again "No, I mean what are you?" and once again I say "I'm an American." Although I know the answer that they are looking for is for me to say that I'm Indian but thats just not completely true. Yes, my parents are Indian and I am from Indian decent but I see myself as an American. I don't see the harm in telling people that I am an American rather than an Indian because American society and culture is all I have ever known but to my parents and other family and friends that makes me white washed. My parents came to the United States in order to have a better life but what they didnt realize is that not only would it be a better life but it would be a much different life as well. They expected me to grow up having american friends and going to american schools and yet for me to stick to the strict and ridiculous ways from how they were raised back in India. What confuses me the most is if they wanted me to grow up like a "good indian girl" should then why did they raise me here? Their refusal to adapt to american culture has altered my life in so many ways. It has put me in a place where I dont know who I am or where I belong. Im very content with the person that I am but to my parents being "white washed" is by far the worst thing that they could have in a daughter.
In my parents eyes a perfect daughter is one who does not have the right to speak her mind or be and independent strong woman. She is to listen to everything her parents say and live the life they choose for her. A general idea of the perfect life for a young woman is for her to do well all throughout school, get married in her early twenties by someone her parents choose, continue to go to school until she becomes a doctor and then live with her husband and her in-laws forever. this isnt the life i want to live.
In my parents eyes a perfect daughter is one who does not have the right to speak her mind or be and independent strong woman. She is to listen to everything her parents say and live the life they choose for her. A general idea of the perfect life for a young woman is for her to do well all throughout school, get married in her early twenties by someone her parents choose, continue to go to school until she becomes a doctor and then live with her husband and her in-laws forever. this isnt the life i want to live.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Who am I? Who should I be?
Growing up in the states and living under a culture clashed household has been one of the craziest experiences of my life. I has born and raised in Virginia and grown up around the american culture. My parents on the other hand were born and raised in India and grew up around southasian/ middle eastern culture. As much as i love and charish my parents the biggest difference and issue between us the fact that we grew up in two different worlds; therefore we dont see eye to eye on just about everything. We agree to disagree on anything from what I should go to school for to who I should love. I know my parents want whats best for me but, when do i draw the line and start living my own life?
Throught the next couple weeks I'll try to express the struggles and experiences of living two lives. I want you to understand how differently I see life because of the fact that I am stuck in the middle of two diffent worlds.
Throught the next couple weeks I'll try to express the struggles and experiences of living two lives. I want you to understand how differently I see life because of the fact that I am stuck in the middle of two diffent worlds.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Hey hey hey!
My name is Kiran. Im 19 years old and I was born and raised in Virginia. I'm attending my second year at Nova. I plan to transfer to Shenanndoah University by next fall and persue my major in nursing. I want to get my RN degree and then hopefully, eventually go to med. school and be a pediatric doctor. I am currently working as a intern in the ICU at Potomac Hospital and at Burmingham Green Nursing Home.
My name is Kiran. Im 19 years old and I was born and raised in Virginia. I'm attending my second year at Nova. I plan to transfer to Shenanndoah University by next fall and persue my major in nursing. I want to get my RN degree and then hopefully, eventually go to med. school and be a pediatric doctor. I am currently working as a intern in the ICU at Potomac Hospital and at Burmingham Green Nursing Home.
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